My Mother's Day

On Mother's Day we went to the large, bustling metropolis of Chowchilla to see my mom. I don't have any pictures of us together because she didn't have her makeup on and the only way she was going to get it on, was if I put it on her and...well, I didn't want to. (Don't judge me!) But I got a couple pictures with my girls and one of all my mom's grand kids after they planted flowers for her.

The grand kids

Me and my Goofy Girls

Not sure what Mia is doing...But, it's as good as it gets.

And what did Tim do on Mother's day, besides take bad pictures of his girls, you ask? Let me show you...

I just made my appointment at the spa for Father's day.

Thank Goodness for Great Genes

So, right now I'm a little pudgier than I'd like to be. I'm still not big, by any means (just wanted to make that clear because I don't want anyone to think I have an eating disorder or something...), but my jeans are just a little tighter than I'd like them to be.

So, yesterday I decided to take the healthy route to weight loss. Starve myself. (Say what you want, but it can be effective!) Until last night, when the fam damily decided to get Olive Garden to go. I was at a meeting and I get this text from Grace, "What do you want from OG?" I typed in "Nothing", then I stared at for a couple minutes...deleted and typed in "That new pastry thing filled with cheese...". Of course, the plan was to only eat about a 1/3 of it and save it for lunch. LUCKILY, that new cheese filled pastry thing was no longer available, so they got me eggplant parmesan with fettucini alfredo on the side. Like that's much better...it's the Olive Garden. The only low cal thing there is water. Anyway...the plan was to still just eat 1/4 of it (I say 1/4 of the eggplant because there were 4 slices) and save some for today. So, I took it out of the to-go container (I usually eat straight out of it) and put my 1/4 portion on the plate and inhaled it (because I eat really fast). Then I said to myself, "well, I can have another 1/4, because that's still only 1/2..." (It's called rationalizing). So, I dished up another 1/4...then another...then another. Can you add fractions? If not...1/4 + 1/4 + 1/4 + 1/4 = A WHOLE. Ugh. Oh, and let's not forget the 2 bread sticks I ate to wipe the bowl clean. Good gracious....

Then last night I thought I was going to die. I had the worst pains in my upper abdomen. I felt like someone had taken a tank of helium and mistaken me for a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float. And of course, one of my kids noticed it...and took time out of their busy evening to point it out. I was like, "I'M AWARE THAT I LOOK 6 MONTHS PREGNANT RIGHT NOW, you precious, precious child. Now get the heck out of my room!!!" {{Note to self: Get a deadbolt for the bedroom door.}} At one point the pain was so bad, I was curled up in a ball begging Tim to put me out of my misery.

Why...Why do I do that to myself. I have no off switch when it comes to food. I've mentioned it before, but it's the honest truth when I say I can eat more than Tim. We can go out to dinner, say to a steak house for instance, and I'll order an appetizer, have a salad, eat my entire steak, potato and veggie and dessert, too. No joke.

I guess I shouldn't complain about my weight and be thankful that I can eat the way I do, not exercise and still look like this....

I know...HOT right?

Thank goodness for great jeans...I mean genes.

*FYI: I'm being funny...I don't really think I'm hot. I know I am. Again...being funny!! Hahahahahahaha!!!

P.S. I've been taking a lot of flack for my butt pictures on facebook, so I thought I'd do an entire blog post about it. Ha. It's called sarcasm, people. Sarcasm.



Nobody Likes Me...

As I kid, when I felt sorry for myself, I always remember my grandma singing this song, "Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. Guess I'll go eat worms." I've been singing that song for the last 3 days straight. And I'm to the point that I'm about to start digging for worms. Wait...I think the girls got some gummy worms at Easter...maybe that'll make me feel better.

Major pity party going on at the Dodson's. Who wants to join me? I'm serving up Jose Cuervo and gummy worms. Oh, and selling jeans...if you're interested, but I'm sure you're not.

"Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me........."

Is that a Raccoon in the Floor or is the Rug just Happy to See Me?

This is a picture of Mazie, the dog's, favorite toy.
And this is how I find it 9 times out of 10, after she's been playing with it.

AAAGGGHHHHH!!!!

Try walking into a room and finding that in the middle of the floor.

Scares the stuffin' out of me everytime!

A Dozen Things I Love...

Ok...I'm not as grumpy this morning, so I thought I would try to counteract my grumbling post from last night with a happy post today. Here it goes...

1. I love when there is a CHP sitting across the street from the school with his radar gun out, clocking people as they come into the school zone at 55mph...and he catches them. Sorry, Melissa Graham, but I do. He was there this morning. I wanted to park behind him so I could shield his car from unsuspecting drivers, but I didn't. Then after I dropped the girls off, I went back that way to see if he had stopped anyone...and truth is, it was completely out of my way to go that way. I actually had to double back to get to my in laws, but it was worth it.

2. I love when I drive by, what I'm pretty sure is a crack house, and there are cop cars there and all these losers lined up against the fence. Like with the CHP, I'd like to just park across the street and watch. I totally should have been a cop, however, the one time I went on a "ride along" with my brother-in-law, Bill (only the coolest deputy sheriff in all of Fresno County!), I nearly pooped my pants. At the time he was patrolling Shaver Lake and he stopped some guy for jumping wakes or something and I seriously got the worst nervous stomach ever. So that, and the fact that I tend to be a little emotionally unstable, might hinder my ability to enforce the law effectively, but a girl can dream.

3. I love my "sissy". She's married to Bill. Ok, that's not why I love her. I love her because she's my "sissy". I love her because we're so much alike it's scary and we both hate that people actually refer to their sisters as "sissy". I love that when we're in the same room and our kids yell for us, that they can't tell who's who. I love that she's a fanatic about apostrophes and grammar and I wish she could be my full time editor. And due to my udder disregard for proper punctuation, I'm pretty sure she does, too.  And I love that she always wants to be mentioned in my blog. Does this make you happy, Sissy?

4. I love blogging and updating my facebook status about every 15 minutes. Don't lie. You know you like it, too.

5. I love my family. Go on...everyone together now...AAAWWWWWW....I know. Deep. It should be number one, but it's just not that funny. But what kind of person would I be if I didn't mention my family. So, for the record, this was just a courtesy mention.

6. I love my vitamins. This is weird, because they actually tend to make me want to barf, and occasionally I do, much to my children's dismay, but I have energy when I take them. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that when I don't take one, I could literally sleep all day long. They also make me a little more regular, which is something I desperately need, because other wise...well....

7. I love talking about my digestive health and I tend do that a lot. And you all know you love it, too. I'm not sure why this is such a taboo topic, I mean, everybody poops. And if you don't, well...please don't breathe on me.


8. I love mobile devices, i.e. my laptop, my iPhone and my iPad. I love that I can take them with me wherever I go. Weather it be on a trip to Disneyland, the beach or...yep...the bathroom.

9. I love beautiful men. Josh Dumhel and Zac Efron come to mind. Oh, and Tim Dodson....

10. I love Xanax. Whoever discovered this medication deserves a hug. Seriously. It makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a sunny meadow full of wildflowers, barefooted, in a flowing sundress, not even noticing my fat arms jiggling or my belly flopping me in the face as I frolic. Have you ever taken it? It really does make you feel like that, but if you're not careful, you might actually wake up in that sunny meadow and wonder how the heck you got there. Don't judge me. I have really bad anxiety and I need it from time to time, ok? I now refer to it as my best friend, but I use to call it my heart medication, because my anxiety was so bad that when my heart would start racing, for no apparent reason,  and I would have to take it to calm down. I now use it strictly for recreational use. Oh good gracious!! I'm kidding!!!! Take a chill pill...or better yet...a Xanax.

11. I love my one of kind, custom tumbler made by Denise Douglas of Decals by Denise (http://www.decalsbydenise.com/ You're welcome, Denise). I drink lots and lots of water (at least it LOOKS like water to the untrained eye, i.e. my mother-in-law), and I love being able to just drink without having to open a bottle or worry about spilling it all over me. Plus, you can't smell the "water" when the lid is on. Oh, I'm kidding again!! I really do just drink water out of it, but on one of my grumpy days, not-water has crossed my mind.

12. I love when I freak out about an inappropriate song on the radio and then later get the song "Hurts so Good" or "Jose Cuervo" stuck in my head...and realizing that I sang those great songs as a kid. I remember singing "Hurts So Good" in the car and my mom telling me it didn't sound very nice, which of course, I had no clue why...so I make up my own words, "Looks so Good. Put your hair in a ponytail. Dun-dun. Looks so good." And um, that Jose Cuervo one...remember that? "Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine. I like to drink you with a little salt and lime. Did I kiss all the cowboys? Did I shoot out the lights? Did I dance on the bar? Did I start any fights?" Ohmigosh. I remember thinking that was the weirdest song...why was this GUY singing about another guy and kissing cowboys. Oh...to be young and naive again.

13. I love the wonders of modern medicine. I'm currently saving up for my smart lipo.

14. I love when I read my blog to Tim and he laughs out loud.

15. I love being random. "Really, Kimberly? We hadn't noticed," said all 27 of her readers.

The End.

**Yeah, Yeah...there are 15, but I had to make sure the good out weighed the bad by at least 2.**

A Dozen Things I Hate...I mean, Dislike

I'm grumpy today...ok, I'm grumpy MOST days, but today, I feel like blogging about it.

1. I hate when I'm driving the speed limit down Hwy 198 (two lane highway that is under construction and lined with huge oak trees) and the car behind me is trying to crawl into my trunk. Seriously? Apparently they haven't had a speeding ticket lately, because if they knew how much it cost, they would be driving the speed limit, too. I got one last year and it cost me nearly $400...therefore, I will forever drive the speed limit. Also, I value my life and the life of my children. I don't especially want to risk a head on collision at 70mph. Don't get me wrong...I know what's it like to be in a hurry. I'm ALWAYS in a hurry...to get to my destination. Not die.

2. I hate when my kids are in a bad mood and I have to drive for 30+ minutes, down a two lane highway with someone riding my butt, and they're screaming the entire time. Literally screaming. Trust me, if I weren't already a grump, this would make me one! And if I wasn't driving, I'd be drinkin'! OMGee...we got a new car so we would have enough room for all of us and it's still not enough room to give me peace when I'm driving. I'm going next week to have one of those privacy windows installed. What a dream that would be. Picture it, for just a second. You're driving and your kids are all in the back screaming and beating the crap out of each other and you don't even care because you can't hear a thing. Ahhhh...Don't try to tell me that's not appealing to you. It's appealing to any human mother, I can almost guarantee it.

3. I hate when Sirius Satellite Radio goes and changes all it's station numbers. What the heck is that about? I went to turn on Radio Disney (yeah, it's one of my faves), and instead I got CNN News! CNN? Really? They could have at least made it Fox news. Where are all my faves now? I can't find The Blend or The Pulse, either. I ended up listening to a preview of where all the new stations were!! How flippin' irritating is that?

4. I hate when I'm suppose to have a Vault Denim party and my kids are all here making lots and lots of noise. Singing and dancing and sounding like they're going to come through the ceiling. I would try to drown them out with the radio, but I don't know where any of my stations are!! So, I guess I get to listen to Big Time Rush. Oh well...they're cute. Have you seen those boys? Holy cow. Don't worry...they're all over 18, so I can say that.

5. I hate the thought that if those Big Time Rush boys heard me say that about them, they'd probably do a little baby barf because this "old" lady thinks they're hot. Yeah...I said it! H-O-T!

6. I hate that I have a new "hobby" selling jeans and suddenly all I hear is crickets chirping. {{Chirp-chirp. Chirp-chirp.}} Oh, and have dust in my mouth because all my friends have taken off running and left me eating it. Nice. Thanks. Thanks for nothin'!! ~I would like to say a special thank you to those who have supported me, though. I really do appreciate it.~ But seriously. I'm not asking you to donate a friggin' kidney!! Just come by my house and look at some friggin' jeans!! You don't even have to buy anything! You don't even have to book a party. Just come by. Have a brownie (and if takes "special brownies" to get you here, I'm not opposed*) and hang out. At least make an effort to see what it is I'm doing! I swear some of them are just making up excuses. I feel defeated.

7. I hate when I'm trying to blog and the kids should be in bed and I keep thinking Tim is going to put them to bed, but instead they're all running around like banshees (is that the word I'm looking for?). OR I think he's got them to bed and then realize they're all in MY bed. I guess, technically he gets that one, because they are in bed, but their own beds would be nice.

8. I hate when I'm about lose it so I take a little sumpin'-sumpin' (which, for the record I only do once or twice a year. And only when I know I won't be driving, but I can't take my best friend because she makes me so sleepy) and it gives me stupid heartburn.

9. I hate heartburn.

10. I hate that people copy and paste crap into their facebook status. Sorry, but it really does annoy me. With this whole Bin Laden thing...ugh. One person says, "Don't spread hate, yada yada~MLK" and the next says, "Obama didn't kill him, blah blah blah...". A cover band has to be really good for me to like them. Same goes for your status. They'll never be as good as the original.

11. I hate that some people are on facebook and they don't update their status or comment on anything at all. Those, my friends, are called "lurkers". Don't tell me you don't find it just a little creepy when someone you didn't even realize was still active on facebook, walks up to you and says, "So, how's your kid feeling?".I don't know about you, but I tend to forget that there are other people that can read my status because I only have a few regulars on my homepage (which is another thing I hate, but I'm not going to mention that). OK, so technically, it's our fault for putting all that stuff out there on facebook (or this blog perhaps), but it's still creepy. If you're a lurker, don't say anything and remain anonymous. It's better for everyone.

12. I hate when certain people make me feel like I can't be myself around them. I'm not sophisticated. I don't have a college education. I'm a stay at home mom. I shop for my clothes at Target (except for my jeans, of course). That's who I am...why do I feel the need to be prim and proper when I'm not. I'm just NOT. That doesn't mean I don't use manners. But I do like to wear my ripped jeans and flip flops, and during the winter, I like my wool socks and ugly Sanuks**. I like big, roomy, sweat shirts and often go without make-up because I just don't feel like putting it on (that, and also because I'm just naturally beautiful and it's just a shame to cover it up). I like to sit on the couch with my feet tucked up under me. I eat fast and A LOT (just ask Tim. He hates to take me out for dinner because I eat more than him. So not joking). And I don't care how much the wine costs, if it tastes good and takes the edge off, I'll drink it. Awww, heck! Who am I kidding...it doesn't even have to taste good.

13. I hate when it takes me 3 hours to write the blog and another 2 hours to edit. When is someone going to start paying me for this?!?!? Anyone?

Ok, so it was a baker's dozen, but they're always better.

*I'd just like to state for the record, that I am opposed to "special brownies". I do not promote the consumption of "special brownies" in anyway. Honest and for true. I was just saying that to get a laugh. Did it work? Oh, nor do I promote the use of the word hate so much...but it fit here.

**I'd also like to state for the record, that I realize I am very critical of what other people wear...however, when one chooses to wear grossly, ill-fitting clothes, they're setting themselves up for some criticism.

Ahhhhh...I feel so much better.

Time to Tan

Does anyone know where spring went? It was winter, then summer, then winter again, and summer again. I personally would like to enjoy a few days of spring before it gets so freakin' hot I have to shower at least 3 times a day because I can't stand my own stench.

So, I've been wearing t-shirts without one of my extremely large sweatshirts over it and I'm not likin' what I see. Not only am I a little pudgier than I'd like to be...but I am one white girl. No denying it. My brother and sister are both whities, too, but they tan naturally and have these beautiful golden tans. I burn. I turn bright red, peel, and then start the whole process again. I should have been a red head. In fact, I had my hair red for quite a while when I was younger and people were shocked to find out it was from a bottle.

Tim is olive complected and when he tans, he turns black. One year, at the end of our week long vacay on the beach, we took family pictures. Tim was literally black. It was almost comical. The girls tend to get a more golden tan. Must have come from my daddy...

My dad is dark complected. After we met my half brother a few years ago (now that's an interesting story I'll share with you sometime...), I realized where all my dad's olive skin went. Jerk. (Just kidding!! Geez. Chill.)

So, since it's getting warm and I'm wanting to wear short sleeve shirts (but no shorts because I don't do shorts. The veins in my legs look like a road map to nowhere.), I figure it's time to get my tan on...literally. I take the bottle, stand in the shower and spray away. And wah-la! I'm tan. I'm sure I'll wake up in the morning and look like an orange zebra, but at least I won't be white anymore. Some color is better than none, right? Yeah...let's go with that.

P.S. I'm not proof reading this, so deal with it, k?