Parenting 101

For the record, no such class exists...well, at least that I know of, and I know everything, so....yeah. 

Today, I realized that I'm an expert in parenting. So, I've decided to give you a few pointers on how you, too, can be the "perfect" parent, just like moi. (That's suppose to sound like Miss Piggy, but I'm not sure how to spell it. Oh gosh...did I just call myself Miss Piggy? It is what it is.) 

1. When you have a child, uh-hum, teen, that thinks you're a idiot and treats you like a leper, remind them where they came from. 

Example: This morning, I walked into wake my sweet, sweet teen and touched her head to see if her hair was damp. Oh. My. Gosh. You would have thought I rubbed a hand full of snot all over her head. She came unglued. My reaction? "Are you kidding me?!?! I gave birth to you, child! You do know what the means, right? You were inside my body for 9 months and I BIRTHED YOU!!! You know how babies are born, right? I guarantee me touching your head is the least of your worries!" Then I got the, "UGH! **very loud sigh and pounding on the bed**".  My guess was that the thought of that would make her cringe way more than me patting her on the head. I will now use that one regularly.

Also another good tip is to attack them and smother them with kisses. Or punch them in the nose and be done with it. Be careful though...don't make it bleed. You don't want to have to clean up that mess.

2. When you can't get your kids to clean up after themselves, get out your harp and start harping. 

I use to think that since I was a stay at home mom, it was my job to clean up after everyone. So, I just did it. But, after this summer, when I was away so often helping my parents, and would come home to a house that looked like an episode of Hoarders, I'd had it! I cracked down. Now, I go so far as to call them from downstairs to pick up a little piece of paper on the floor. My middle one is the worst. Oh good Lord. That child is a P-I-G!! In their bathroom, there is a laundry chute AND a hamper. There is NO reason for her clothes to be on the floor. Yet, every dang day there they are. I don't care what she's doing, I will call her to pick them up. I will stand there and point out things she needs to do. I will stand there and watch her clean up her room. Brush her hair. Brush her teeth. Put on deodorant. Whatever it is she has to do, I stand there and watch her to make sure it's done. It drives her NUTS. But maybe, one of these days, she's get just sick enough of me glaring at her that she'll figure it out on her own. One can only hope anyway. (But, honestly, I'm not holding my breath.)

3. When beatings no longer work (that's a joke), try a punishment jar. Seriously, this is like, the BEST thing EVER (she said in her best valley girl voice)!! One day, after a rough morning, I was racking my brain to find something that would get through to them, but that didn't punish the whole family at the same time. I remembered that I see a lot of teachers have the kids names on sticks in a jar and they pull names to see who is going to answer a question, etc. Then it hit me! A punishment jar!! I got sticks and wrote down tons of awesome punishments that I knew they would hate. Some of my favorites include, "Rub Mom's back for 20 minutes", "Rub Mom's feet for 20 minutes", "Pick up dog poop", "(Insert name of a sister here) Choice", "Scrub the toilets", "(Insert name of a sister here) is your boss for a day"....lots of horrible things that they hate! One time Ella had to scrub the toilets. She cried (and I giggled) the entire time, but I think she learned her lesson! I LOVE when one of them pulls a "rub mom..." stick. Muahahahahahahaha!!!! While it was still warm and I was wearing flip flops all the time, one of them pulled the feet stick. My feet were filthy. It was so awesome. Oh, and when they pull the one that gives their sister her choice for their punishment...oh yeah...the poop usually hits the fan, then they have to clean up that mess, too. 

4. When your children are fighting constantly and you think you can't stand it any more...tape their mouths shut and tie their hands together. Ok, I've never actually done that, but I'm not ruling it out, either. But an effective tool is making them hold hands everywhere they go, sit on the couch hugging for 15 minutes, and making them say or write down 10 things they genuinely love about each other. Not crappy little things, like "I like your shoes". Real things. I know it's inevitable that siblings are going to fight, but when it gets to the point that they're screaming at each other for breathing, then it's time to take immediate and serious action. 

5. When all else fails...take a Xanax, a hot bath, and go to bed. Or a shot of tequila (or any type of liquor available to you). One day I was about go insane (Ok, that's pretty much everyday) and I literally took out a bottle of rum or something, (I don't know what it was, I was just looking for alcohol that would work fast), and took a shot. In about 10 minutes I felt this warm, calming sensation come over me and pretty soon I was tip-toeing through the tulips in my kitchen and the sound of the fighting and screaming suddenly sounded like angels singing. I thought, "this must be what heaven is like...."

Calm it down!! I'm kidding. Well, I'm not kidding about the time I took the shot, but I'm kidding about doing it regularly and thinking that heaven was like a really nice buzz. But I'm serious about sometimes using something to take the edge off. I don't see anything wrong with that...

In closing, I'd like to say that sometimes as parents, especially if you're very high strung like me, you need a break, and if a break just isn't possible, then do something to make it bearable. Prayer is a very effective tool, as well, but sometimes, alcohol just works faster. 

I hope you've found these tips helpful. No go out there and be the best parent you can be!! 

Your's truly,

Mother of the Year

14 years running