Family Photos: The Saga

Why? Why can't it just be easy to do a family picture? I don't understand why God makes it nearly impossible to do a family picture without someone getting physically injured on picture day.

Today was the day I had been waiting on for a couple months. Well, technically years, because it's been several years since we took family pics last. I found a scarf...chevron print with grey, black, cream, tan and brown in it, and that was to the be inspiration for our entire wardrobe. I spent weeks and I don't even know how much money on our outfits. I would buy something and return it and buy something else and return it. Then when I finally realized I wasn't going to be able to find everything I needed at Target (because, yeah, that's the only place I went), I ventured over to the outlet mall. I have to admit...I felt defeated. Target let me down. Anyhoo...Finally, two days before the shoot, I did it! I had everything picked out and on hangers in my closet. NO ONE was to touch or even LOOK at their outfits. I was taking no chances.

Fast Forward to this morning: I woke up, lined up my soldiers and gave them their orders. "Baths. Showers. Teeth. Hair. Dressed. Once you are dressed and your hair is done, you are not to move, eat or breathe. Now MARCH!!"

Wait...have you noticed I keep telling them they can't breathe? I swear there is nothing sinister going on here.....*wink*

Then, it all went to hell in a hand basket. I was going to go into full detail of what went wrong, but I could start feeling the tension rise inside me as I typed. Stewing and boiling in my core...and I'm certain my family would not survive another blow up. There would be casualties, this I assure you.

Now, can someone please tell me why? Why can't it just go smoothly?!?! I swear all Mia's clothes fit on Thursday when I completed her outfit. Now why all of a sudden did the crotch on her jeggings hit her about her knees and her boots look like she borrowed them from Ronald McDonald? And her jacket look like it belonged to a giant and her shirt like it shrunk in the dryer?!?! WHY?!?!? And then the dang scarf. The scarf that was to be the center of attention (around my neck, duh)....why, when I put it on with my carefully thought out outfit, did it look retarded?!?!?! I was in my bathroom alone and I couldn't help it. I started talking to myself (I think might have even stomped my feet a little)..."Oh my gosh! I can't do this!! Why is this happening? This was the inspiration for the entire wardrobe and it looks STUPID!!! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

Then Tim walked in. He looked at me like, "OMG...she's gone off the deep end." (I get that look a lot.) I blurted out that my scarf looked stupid and we had to stop by Tilly's to get Mia a new shirt. Just like that. Scarf is stupid and Mia needs a new shirt. He sighed and said, "So are we just going to give away the one that doesn't fit?!?!" Seriously? Did you not hear that MY scarf looked stupid? Mia's problem was an easy fix. Mine was nearly life threatening! I needed support, not, "Oh my gosh you're going to spend another $20?!?!" Because, you know...we're so destitute we can't afford a $20 shirt. Did I want to spend that extra money? NO!! And I really didn't want to make the stop at the stupid outlet mall on Saturday, either, but it was vital to the success of our family photos! So, um...yeah. I sort of went off. "I'm sorry but I've worked so hard on this and it's all falling apart on me!! And if you're worried about that extra $20, then we have problems because I'm pretty sure our insurance doesn't cover the mental institution I'm checking myself into after this!"

I popped a pill, calmed down, got in the car, stopped at the outlet mall, (where I went to pay and realized I didn't have my ATM card), and arrived at the studio (a couple minutes late) all in one piece. We somehow managed to take the pictures without tears, violence, or tequila. What they look like, I have no idea. But we all had on clothes, I managed to make my scarf look ok, and the pictures are done, da*n it!  Surely, with all the shots she took, and the wonderful magic that is photoshop, there's got to be something in there I'll hang on my wall.

God, please...PLEASE let there be something there!!

I'll keep you posted.

P.S. My sister was taking bets on which one of the girls would cry once we got there (not including me). Sorry, sissy. No tears were shed...but then again, I have yet to see the proofs.

Parenting 101

For the record, no such class exists...well, at least that I know of, and I know everything, so....yeah. 

Today, I realized that I'm an expert in parenting. So, I've decided to give you a few pointers on how you, too, can be the "perfect" parent, just like moi. (That's suppose to sound like Miss Piggy, but I'm not sure how to spell it. Oh gosh...did I just call myself Miss Piggy? It is what it is.) 

1. When you have a child, uh-hum, teen, that thinks you're a idiot and treats you like a leper, remind them where they came from. 

Example: This morning, I walked into wake my sweet, sweet teen and touched her head to see if her hair was damp. Oh. My. Gosh. You would have thought I rubbed a hand full of snot all over her head. She came unglued. My reaction? "Are you kidding me?!?! I gave birth to you, child! You do know what the means, right? You were inside my body for 9 months and I BIRTHED YOU!!! You know how babies are born, right? I guarantee me touching your head is the least of your worries!" Then I got the, "UGH! **very loud sigh and pounding on the bed**".  My guess was that the thought of that would make her cringe way more than me patting her on the head. I will now use that one regularly.

Also another good tip is to attack them and smother them with kisses. Or punch them in the nose and be done with it. Be careful though...don't make it bleed. You don't want to have to clean up that mess.

2. When you can't get your kids to clean up after themselves, get out your harp and start harping. 

I use to think that since I was a stay at home mom, it was my job to clean up after everyone. So, I just did it. But, after this summer, when I was away so often helping my parents, and would come home to a house that looked like an episode of Hoarders, I'd had it! I cracked down. Now, I go so far as to call them from downstairs to pick up a little piece of paper on the floor. My middle one is the worst. Oh good Lord. That child is a P-I-G!! In their bathroom, there is a laundry chute AND a hamper. There is NO reason for her clothes to be on the floor. Yet, every dang day there they are. I don't care what she's doing, I will call her to pick them up. I will stand there and point out things she needs to do. I will stand there and watch her clean up her room. Brush her hair. Brush her teeth. Put on deodorant. Whatever it is she has to do, I stand there and watch her to make sure it's done. It drives her NUTS. But maybe, one of these days, she's get just sick enough of me glaring at her that she'll figure it out on her own. One can only hope anyway. (But, honestly, I'm not holding my breath.)

3. When beatings no longer work (that's a joke), try a punishment jar. Seriously, this is like, the BEST thing EVER (she said in her best valley girl voice)!! One day, after a rough morning, I was racking my brain to find something that would get through to them, but that didn't punish the whole family at the same time. I remembered that I see a lot of teachers have the kids names on sticks in a jar and they pull names to see who is going to answer a question, etc. Then it hit me! A punishment jar!! I got sticks and wrote down tons of awesome punishments that I knew they would hate. Some of my favorites include, "Rub Mom's back for 20 minutes", "Rub Mom's feet for 20 minutes", "Pick up dog poop", "(Insert name of a sister here) Choice", "Scrub the toilets", "(Insert name of a sister here) is your boss for a day"....lots of horrible things that they hate! One time Ella had to scrub the toilets. She cried (and I giggled) the entire time, but I think she learned her lesson! I LOVE when one of them pulls a "rub mom..." stick. Muahahahahahahaha!!!! While it was still warm and I was wearing flip flops all the time, one of them pulled the feet stick. My feet were filthy. It was so awesome. Oh, and when they pull the one that gives their sister her choice for their punishment...oh yeah...the poop usually hits the fan, then they have to clean up that mess, too. 

4. When your children are fighting constantly and you think you can't stand it any more...tape their mouths shut and tie their hands together. Ok, I've never actually done that, but I'm not ruling it out, either. But an effective tool is making them hold hands everywhere they go, sit on the couch hugging for 15 minutes, and making them say or write down 10 things they genuinely love about each other. Not crappy little things, like "I like your shoes". Real things. I know it's inevitable that siblings are going to fight, but when it gets to the point that they're screaming at each other for breathing, then it's time to take immediate and serious action. 

5. When all else fails...take a Xanax, a hot bath, and go to bed. Or a shot of tequila (or any type of liquor available to you). One day I was about go insane (Ok, that's pretty much everyday) and I literally took out a bottle of rum or something, (I don't know what it was, I was just looking for alcohol that would work fast), and took a shot. In about 10 minutes I felt this warm, calming sensation come over me and pretty soon I was tip-toeing through the tulips in my kitchen and the sound of the fighting and screaming suddenly sounded like angels singing. I thought, "this must be what heaven is like...."

Calm it down!! I'm kidding. Well, I'm not kidding about the time I took the shot, but I'm kidding about doing it regularly and thinking that heaven was like a really nice buzz. But I'm serious about sometimes using something to take the edge off. I don't see anything wrong with that...

In closing, I'd like to say that sometimes as parents, especially if you're very high strung like me, you need a break, and if a break just isn't possible, then do something to make it bearable. Prayer is a very effective tool, as well, but sometimes, alcohol just works faster. 

I hope you've found these tips helpful. No go out there and be the best parent you can be!! 

Your's truly,

Mother of the Year

14 years running

Sea of Sound

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to my cousin's son's band, Sea of Sound. If you go to their website, you can listen to a few of their songs. You can also read a little about them in this article in the Fresno Bee. They're going to be playing at the Cellar Door next Saturday, November 17th, and I'm gonna go. I told my cousin's wife to show him a picture of me so he knows me. Shoot. I better get her a current picture, because I've cut my hair and gained like 50lbs. I'd be like, "Yeah...that's my cousin Zach." And he'll be all like, "Um...hi. Who are you?" Actually, I would hope he would recognize me...but who knows. Anyway...if you get a chance...check them out. I'm currently listening to the tracks (I'm so hip...I used the word tracks, but I think I might have spelled it wrong) on the website and I'm really liking them. I mean, they're not Big Time Rush, but it's good. I'm going to see about getting some copies of their CD for Gracie to hand out. Get their name on the high school map, you know. Then, when they make it big because of us, they'll have to thank us in their Thank You's on their album and maybe even give us a cut of the profits. I don't know. We can work something out. 

Anyway...check them out...

Have a great weekend! 

We ARE Blessed

Yesterday, Gracie sang for us in church. I still can't believe she's able to do that. I would DIE. Of course, it might have something to do with the fact that I can't carry a tune in a bucket...but still!! The song she sang is called "Blessings" by Laura Story. Listen to the words. At this point in my life, the lyrics to the song hit home. Here's the link to youtube...please excuse the shotty video as it's hard to hold the camera still while you're sobbing.

Gracie Singing 'Blessings'

Yes, at one point, I started sobbing. There's been a lot of that going on around here lately.

Shortly after Gracie blessed us, we were listening to a speaker and I see something moving out of the corner of my eye. Now, have I mentioned my fear of mice? I wrote about it once. To refresh your memory, click here.

See where this is going? In the corner, along the brick, I see a mouse running up the wall. We were on the other side of the church, but that makes no difference to me. Poor Gracie was sitting next to me. I swear I left a hand print on her leg. From that point on, I have no idea what the speaker was saying...for the record, up until that point, I was really enjoying him. I kept my eyes peeled on that corner and pretty soon...here it comes...down the wall. Now, I had on sandals. All I could think was that that stupid nasty little rodent was eventually going to make it over to me and run across the my toes. I had my feet up wrapped around my head and was doing every thing in my power not to squeal like a little girl. I finally ran out and soon after, apparently, that rotten little scoundrel took off across the stage...towards my side of the church. My sobs would soon turn into screams of terror...over a stupid little mouse. That being said...those little suckers are NASTY!! Have you noticed how stretchy and flexible they are? I've got goosebumps just thinking about it....

Anyhoo...I hope you enjoyed Gracie's performance. And while she's not quite X-Factor material just yet, she will be soon and I guarantee she'll be someone you can be proud to say "I knew her when". And while I'm not going to go into detail, I just have to say that all those stupid kids at school that think she's weird: You'll all be sorry when she's selling out arenas and being everything you will never be. (Bitter much, mom?)

Happy Monday!

UPDATE:

I just took Gracie to the doctor and we left with 4 prescriptions...throat and ear infection...and she still pulled it off! Can you imagine what it would have been like if she felt good? That's right. She's just that awesome. 

GASP! You Don't Know Me!

Hi. My name is Kimberly, and I'm sarcastic and snarky. Yep. That's me. If you've ever ready anything I've written, you would know that about me. Sarcastic...and snarky. And I like it...but if you don't, stop reading my stuff and block me, because I'm sure as heck not going to change now!! It's who I am. I have an opinion and I like to express it from time to time. Sometimes I make observations and sometimes when I write about it, I like to add a little flare to make people chuckle a little. Sue me. Then there are the people who apparently don't get my sense of humor, and that's fine...but if you know me AT ALL, you would know that I never mean any harm. And if you don't know that about me, then I'm really sorry you feel that way, because you're missing out on a lot of fun. 

At any given time, you could hear me say, "I need a drink" when actually, I rarely drink. Sometimes I have a few sips of wine, but never an entire glass. Sometimes I say that "I want to sell my children" or "hang them up by their toes", when in reality, I would just like them to go to their rooms and be quite for 15 minutes so I can think straight. Since I became an aunt/mother I have always told the kids they "were ugly"...when in reality they know I think they're the most beautiful human beings on this earth. I also like to say I'm arranging marriages for my girls and I've already picked their grooms, but I haven't really. Well, I have picked who I'd like their husbands to be, but I won't force the issue. These are all fine examples of my sense of humor. 

The reason I write is to express what I'm thinking. I like to say that my brain is barfing through my fingertips on to the keyboard. I'm anxious and I worry and I stress. One of my most used coping mechanisms (next to Xanax, of course) is goofing off and making light of certain situations. Sometimes...like today, it comes back to bite me in the butt...like when someone takes things a little too seriously. That's when it takes all the fun out of it. Takes the wind right out of my sails. 

For the record. I do have a heart. A pretty big one. But I like to have fun, too. So if I say something that offends you, think about it from my point of view, as twisted as it is, and you might just laugh. If not, well...I feel sorry for you...and please excuse yourself from my postings, because I have no plans to change any time soon.

Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your day. 

Out to Get Me?

Why would someone do this? It's stupid and childish. 

You make one little comment about hoping the Giants get ripped to shreds by the Tigers and someone mows down your dumpster. Really?

Actually...I have no idea who did this and why. I just know that I got up this morning, walked into Ella's room, turned on the light, then heard a truck take off and my can go tumbling. 

So, naturally, since it was the only one on the street that was taken out, I took it personally. Tim's first thought was that someone was drunk and I should be glad they didn't drive through the house. I suppose that's possible, but not likely, because I'm sure it was a personal hit. My mind starts racing. Was it the people who stole my purse? Was it a disgruntled Giants fan who doesn't like me rooting for the Tigers?

For the record, my stance on the World Series is this:

I'm a Dodger fan. I honestly don't care that much, but I'm loyal. Just like I'm loyal to the Cowboys, even though I probably won't watch one of the games this season.  So, when the Dodger's biggest rival goes to the World Series, it's only natural that I root for the opposing team, right? That being said, the constant jabbing at the Dodgers, by Giants fans, for not making it is on my last freakin' nerve. 

I mean seriously...at this point in my life, I'm too fragile to deal with this nonsense. That and all the politics. Oh. My. Gosh. Just like with sports, I have my favorites (Romney) and I am very conservative, but I don't blast it all over my news feed. So you're a democrat and you're going to vote for Obama. Good for you for taking a stand. Now stop calling me names just because you're too stupid to get it (she said out of shear frustration). And even the conservatives that are CONSTANTLY posting crap...holy moly. Do you think that's going to change anyone's mind? Seriously...all you're doing is pissin' 'em off.  

In the words of the oh so wise (*sarcasm*) Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?" 

Hey, I'm all for a little competition, but come on.

So, who ever you are that ran over my trash can, let me say this:

I'm sorry that you're life is so sad and miserable, you have to take pleasure taking out a perfectly innocent trash container. I will pray that you find peace somewhere and soon, before any other trashcans are harmed, or I come after you with a .38 (honestly, I'm just guessing on caliber size here).

And...I hope my trash can left a big ol' nasty mark on your truck, because you suck. 

That is all for today. 

P.S. Don't forget I'm still on a mission to Bring James to Kindergarten. If you would like to help, here is the address where you can send fan mail encouraging James to come this way:

Anderson Group Public Relations

Attn: James Maslow

8060 Melrose Ave 4th Floor

Los Angeles, CA 90046

Just a quick note and stamp are all it takes! Thanks!!

Oh, and GO TIGERS!!!!!! 

Project Bring James to Kindergarten Continues

Yea...I'm still on it. It's going to happen. It might not actually happen while Ella's in Kindergarten, but it will happen. Like I said, I have made it my mission. And then, I saw this and my passion was renewed:

http://music.yahoo.com/news/seattle-man-gets-billy-idol-play-birthday-090420230.html

So...Here we go again!!

This time, I will write a letter directly to James. Think he'll read it?

Dear James,

My sweet daughter, Ella, is in love with you (actually Ella, Mia, Gracie and I all love you. BTR is our FAVE! All of you! Tim {daddy} even knows your songs!). One day she told me to 'twit' you and tell you that she NEEDED you to come to school on Friday so she could share you for the letter 'J'. I laughed at first, then I thought...why not?!?! What's it going to hurt to start a little campaign to get you here, to our little farm town and our little country school? Nothing. It hurts nothing. Might make me look like a HUGE fool, but who cares!! I'm determined to do this for her. I want her dream to come true. 

The other day we drove by a legendary house here in town and Ella said, "Oh...I'm going to live in that house with my husband, James." And as I type this, she's currently talking into the mirror and I heard your name again. She loves you so much. It's so funny. I mean...she's five. This is no joke...she's in love! (Hum...I wonder why?)

I started a campaign on Facebook, with a picture of you and Ella from our meet & greet in Paso Robles along with a short story of what I was doing. After a few days, a bunch of likes, and a few shares, I decided to step it up a notch. I blogged and I started emailing. I got a couple discouraging emails (one said "thanks for the offer, he can't make it, but feel free to send your fan mail to me and I'll get it to James." Who is this chick anyway?), then I started to re-think my decision to pursue this. Another email said that for a mere $12,500 it might be possible. And one guy on Twitter, who you may know, @funnymatt, basically told me to get a life. I believe "good luck with that" were his exact words.

Now I know what you're thinking...this chick is cray!!! Um, yeah. I am. Cray...and determined!

But I don't care what you think of me...I only care what Ella thinks of me...and if I can make this happen, I think I'll be her hero...or probably you will. Either way, WIN WIN!!

James, will you come to Kindergarten for Ella? I mean, really...how can you say no to those eyes?

Sincerely, 

One crazy, determined mother, who may or may not love you as much as Ella does. And who won't stop until YOU tell me NO yourself.

P.S. It would be more than OK if you brought Kendall, Carlos and Logan, too. Mia wants me to start "Project Bring Kendall to 5th Grade" and Gracie wants me to pursue a "Project Bring Any or All Of Them to High School". One project at a time, girls.