Friday, December 14, 2012

Hold them Close

Yesterday I posted how crazy my kids were making me...and today, all I want to do is curl up in my bed with all three of my girls, and hold them closer than ever. I can not even fathom what the people of Newtown, CT. are going through. My prayers go out to the families of all the victims and the community as a whole.


I will hold these three beauties a little closer tonight. 


God Bless everyone. 


Thursday, December 13, 2012

Hi, I'm Kimberly, The Screaming Banshee

I know I've blogged about this before, but I'm going to again, because it's still bugging me...and probably always will, but sometimes, you just need to vent. So...here's my vent....

Do you ever fell like all you ever do is YELL? Oh. My. Gosh. I really do try to start out sweet and quiet, but after repeating myself at least 5 times, over the course of an hour, that sweet has become sour and the quiet has become the sound of a banshee making ones ears bleed.

Yesterday, I think I nearly got arrested. I was picking Mia and Ella up from school and I was sitting in the drive-thru pick-up. (Note the "drive-thru" part, meaning one is not suppose to sit for extended periods of time in the "drive-thru pick-up area". And one's children need to hurry their little butts up when mom is sitting there!) They walked out to the car, very s-l-o-w-l-y and as I was buckling in Ella, Mia opened her door and just stood there and was yapping about something, about what, I have no idea, because she talks so fast I can't usually understand her, and I told her to put her backpack in the back and get in the car. "Ok, Mia...you can tell me in a minute. Put your backpack in the car and get in." And she just kept talking. And talking. And talking. AND TALKING....I was trying so hard to restrain myself. I told her a couple more times to get in the car, but she Just. Kept. Talking. Finally, I leaned in the car and through my teeth I very sternly said, "MIA!! Put your freakin' backback in the car and get in!! OH. MY. GOSH!!" Then I turned around to get in my own seat and growled, rather loudly and probably quite frighteningly, and just as I did it, there was a dad...right there...on the sidewalk next to my car...which was like right in my face. He had this look of horror on his face. I smiled very pleasantly and laughed and said, "Oh gosh...she's won't stop talking and get in the car. (hehehehehe)" Then I sat down and said, "Oh, shi....." Gracie, being un-phased by my tirade, said, "What? What did you do?" She didn't see or hear any of it...which I'll get to later...Then I thought, "Oh, come on, dude...I know you've lost it a couple times in your parenting lifetime. Unless you're a freak or on some HEAVY medication...I KNOW you have. So, DON'T JUDGE ME." Then I stuck my tongue out at him and, since Mia was finally safely in the car, I sped away. Ok, I didn't physically stick my tongue out at him, but I really, really wanted to. And I didn't speed away because I was still in a school zone and the CHP a little sweet on the area.

I'm tired, people. So, so tired. Tired of yelling. Tired of me yelling at them to do something and them responding, "in a second...," or "let me finish this first...," or, my all time fave, "as soon as this episode/movie is over." I'm certain that when I talk, all they hear is the adults from the Charlie Brown movies. And their responses are like nails on a chalkboard to me. I immediately throw my hands over my ears and crumple in pain.

Then, yesterday, a miracle happened. It was a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!! I told Gracie to unload the dishwasher and this was her response, "In a sec....I mean, OK!" And she promptly jumped up and walked into the kitchen, where I was once standing, but was now on the floor, because I had fainted.

I was so happy!!! Then I got mad because I got so happy that one of my kids actually did something that I told them to do, the first time, without me yelling. What is happening here? Where did I go wrong along the way? I would think that they would be sick of hearing my irritating screaming voice and want to avoid it at any costs, but apparently that is not the case, and could be one or all of the following: 1. They think it's soothing. 2. They think it's funny to piss me off. 3. It's more like a dog whistle and humans can't hear it. 4. It's just background noise to them and they tune it out.  5. They're lazy and they Just. Don't. Care.

I find that I rarely have a normal conversation with the kids because after screaming non-stop at them, I just really don't feel like "talking". I'm always in a pissy mood and the only time I enjoy them is when I look at them in pictures. Ok...that's a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes it feels that way.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that feels like this. I love my children more than anything, but I'm not going to lie...they make me CRAY!!!

Now, once again, I gladly, and formally, accept your nomination for Mother of the Year.

P.S. I'm going to proof this about 20 times. Then I'm going to publish it...and then I'm going to back and read it again and find places where I've left out words and used horrible punctuation. But guess what...I'm NOT PERFECT. I know. It's a shock. Now pick your chin up off the floor, comment, and share it with all your friends anyway. Someday I'll have the time to write, have my sister edit, then publish, but that day is not today.

P.P.S. I was asked to paint a table for a LIVE auction that happened today and I'm proud to say that it sold for $175!!! WOO HOO!!! I paid $15 for the thing!! Holla! I didn't get any money for it, but I got the satisfaction of knowing my handiwork brought in $175 for the Salvation Army! I'm such a good samaritan (she said patting herself on the back...)!



Monday, December 10, 2012

"Reducing the Risk" My Arse!

A few weeks ago, Gracie brought home a permission slip for a course to be held during her PE class called "Reducing the Risk: A Guide to Preventing Teen Pregnancy, STD's and Aids,"...or something stupid and long like that. I signed it. I read the entire slip before I signed it. But I signed it. Every kid that brought back the signed permission slip was put into a drawing for an iPad mini! Um, hello!! Who wouldn't sign it?!?! I'm kidding...that's not why I signed it. I signed it because I suffered through what seemed like 12 years of sex ed when I was in school, and she was irritating me, so I think it was some sub-conscience sick punishment I was giving her.

We've had "the talk", and she's pretty well informed...I think, anyway. I mean, I did what any loving, caring parent would do and I told her that if she has sex before marriage, she will get pregnant and die and the boy will also die...by her father's hand. And all that chaos could have been prevented if she'd just said NO.

Again...kidding. But honestly, I didn't see the harm in her taking the class. She knows about sex and our beliefs on the subject: No sex before marriage. I realize, and she does, too, that, unfortunately, that is not the case for many kids and the only way they will be educated is through a class like this at school. So...here we are...."Reducing the Risk".

Every day after class I get a little taste of what it's like for her. Once the teacher asked to give examples of what would make you NOT say no and a stupid boy said, "BOOBS!" She was MOR-TI-FIED! I laughed and said, "Honey...he's male. Get use to it....boys will say stuff like that for the rest of your life." She laughed it off. Then I started thinking of this as a learning experience for her. Not so much her learning how to reduce the risk for herself, but exposing her to people that aren't PRUDES like us. And learning how to let it roll of her back instead of freaking out and curling up in a ball, rocking back and forth, and crying. (Yeah, she's been that sheltered.)

Up until now...it seemed harmless. Then, the other day she informed that she had a homework assignment...to compare condom and spermicidal foam prices at two different stores. At first, because I was distracted when it came up, I said, "Oh, I'll do it for you. No big deal." Then forgot about it. Then she brought it to me last night and said, "I still need to do this...", then it hit me and I was like, "wait...what the holy helllllllo kitty is happening here?!?!?" Um...NO!!!! She will NOT, nor will I, do this. Neither one of us have any reason what so ever to need to know the price of condoms or any other birth control for that matter. So I said, "um...talk to your dad about it...." Then the shitaki mushrooms hit the fan!!! I believe his words were, "OH, HELL NO!!!' 

We didn't want her to take a hit on her grade and since I signed the permission slip, I felt stupid writing the note and contradicting myself. I was afraid it said something in there that I missed and I didn't want it to come back and bite me in the boo-tay, so Tim wrote the note. He spent, seriously, an hour writing it. It was, I think, 3-4 sentences, but it was well written. I couldn't have said it better myself. Well, actually, I could have, but I'm not complaining because I didn't have to write it. Anyhoo...she has the class tomorrow and I'm curious to find out what is going to happen...

Now I'm thinking...what the heck are they teaching our kids?!?! I realize that no matter how much you teach/preach abstinence, there will be some kids that do it anyway, and those that do, should be informed of the consequences. HOWEVER....Teaching them where to find the best deal on condoms is taking it a little too far. And I don't know...maybe even a little encouraging. If they can work up the nerve to compare prices, then it's one step closer to working up the nerve to buy them. The teacher said to take their book and then people would know it was something for school. So, if you want to buy some, just take your book, get a couple different kinds and tell the cashier you're 'so embarrassed', but it's for school. Then, wham, bam, thank you ma'am...you've got your self 2 packages of condoms "for school", wink wink. 

Maybe I'm a little old fashioned when it comes to that stuff. I have no problem telling my kids they will die or become horribly disfigured if they have sex before marriage. "Hey, kid...you know if you have sex before you're married, your wiener will shrivel up and fall off, right?" And little girl, "Having sex only once will get you pregnant and you will never sleep again and your cute perky boobs that got you in this mess in the first place are going to start sagging and pretty soon you'll be tucking them into your waist band. Oh, and you'll pee a little every time you cough, sneeze, or laugh really hard."

Oh, and don't even get me started on the emotions that go along with sex. Sure, you can prevent pregnancy and STD's, but there is no possible way to prevent the emotions associated with sex. It's just NOT POSSIBLE. And in some cases, the emotional effect is far worse than the physical one. I bet they don't teach that, now, do they?

I understand the premise of the class. I really do, but come on!! Use your head heart! 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Then There's Us Ugly Girls....

Have you ever noticed that the girls who are just naturally beautiful are always perfect and never have any underlying "issues". Nothing they have to cover up. They have the perfect hair, the perfect skin, the perfect nails. Even when they're sick, they're beautiful. They can go without make up and pull their hair up in a messy bun and still look stunning. They always smell nice, too.

Then there's us ugly girls. Well, not ugly...but we have to work at it. We look amazing on the outside, but underneath all the make up and cute Target clothes, we're a hot mess.

While the beautiful girls have perfect hair, we have frizzy, half curly, half straight hair, and we spend hours trying to make it look decent. Then goes to hell in a hand basket when there is even a hint of moisture in the air. Actually, mine is stick straight, but still requires blow drying with precision and a flat iron to make it look decent. If I don't fix it...I look like Paul McCartney during the Beatle years.

While the beautiful girls have perfect skin, we battle acne, spider veins, and cysts. Ok, so I never really battled much acne, but I have had my share of break outs and always at the perfect time...like picture day! And nothing covers it. Not even flesh colored spackle. Some how, that one enormous zit seems to remain very red and very, very large.

Spider veins. Ugh. I don't even have to wear fishnets because I've got them built right in! I swear...as soon as I start making money with this blog, I'm totally going to a plastic surgeon. I don't care what people think. Laser hair removal. Laser skin resurfacing. Botox. I'm all in!

Then there's the cysts. Yeah. Freakin' cysts. Today I went to the doctor for a sinus infection and what I thought was a swollen gland, brought on by the said sinus infection. I should be so lucky. I have this enormous cyst under my arm. And by under my arm, I mean my armpit. And it will probably have to be to be drained. Yep. Drained. Oh. My. Word. I'm so disgusting!! UGH!! I've been feeling so sorry for myself today, then I remembered someone I know (very well) had one on her butt. Then I felt a little better...well, a lot better, because I started laughing and couldn't stop. I'm seriously laughing out loud as I type this. Sorry, someone I know (very well), for laughing at you, but you made me feel better!!

After I left the doctor I went to the outlet mall and was in a store talking to a girl about some boots. Then I got this tickle in my throat. It started out little...then got BIG, FAST. My eyes started watering and then I started choking...and the girl just kept talking. I had mascara running down my face and I couldn't barely catch my breath. I finally said, "Um...cough cough...I have to...cough cough...go...cough cough..." The look on her face was priceless...And then I went running out the door, coughing uncontrollably and trying desperately not to pee my pants in the parking lot. I bet that never happens to a pretty girl.

It's so not fair.

I bet pretty girls don't burp, fart, or poop, either.

Wow. I just lay it all out there, don't I?