Tuesday, October 30, 2012

GASP! You Don't Know Me!

Hi. My name is Kimberly, and I'm sarcastic and snarky. Yep. That's me. If you've ever ready anything I've written, you would know that about me. Sarcastic...and snarky. And I like it...but if you don't, stop reading my stuff and block me, because I'm sure as heck not going to change now!! It's who I am. I have an opinion and I like to express it from time to time. Sometimes I make observations and sometimes when I write about it, I like to add a little flare to make people chuckle a little. Sue me. Then there are the people who apparently don't get my sense of humor, and that's fine...but if you know me AT ALL, you would know that I never mean any harm. And if you don't know that about me, then I'm really sorry you feel that way, because you're missing out on a lot of fun. 

At any given time, you could hear me say, "I need a drink" when actually, I rarely drink. Sometimes I have a few sips of wine, but never an entire glass. Sometimes I say that "I want to sell my children" or "hang them up by their toes", when in reality, I would just like them to go to their rooms and be quite for 15 minutes so I can think straight. Since I became an aunt/mother I have always told the kids they "were ugly"...when in reality they know I think they're the most beautiful human beings on this earth. I also like to say I'm arranging marriages for my girls and I've already picked their grooms, but I haven't really. Well, I have picked who I'd like their husbands to be, but I won't force the issue. These are all fine examples of my sense of humor. 

The reason I write is to express what I'm thinking. I like to say that my brain is barfing through my fingertips on to the keyboard. I'm anxious and I worry and I stress. One of my most used coping mechanisms (next to Xanax, of course) is goofing off and making light of certain situations. Sometimes...like today, it comes back to bite me in the butt...like when someone takes things a little too seriously. That's when it takes all the fun out of it. Takes the wind right out of my sails. 

For the record. I do have a heart. A pretty big one. But I like to have fun, too. So if I say something that offends you, think about it from my point of view, as twisted as it is, and you might just laugh. If not, well...I feel sorry for you...and please excuse yourself from my postings, because I have no plans to change any time soon.

Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your day. 


Thursday, October 25, 2012

Out to Get Me?

Why would someone do this? It's stupid and childish. 



You make one little comment about hoping the Giants get ripped to shreds by the Tigers and someone mows down your dumpster. Really?

Actually...I have no idea who did this and why. I just know that I got up this morning, walked into Ella's room, turned on the light, then heard a truck take off and my can go tumbling. 

So, naturally, since it was the only one on the street that was taken out, I took it personally. Tim's first thought was that someone was drunk and I should be glad they didn't drive through the house. I suppose that's possible, but not likely, because I'm sure it was a personal hit. My mind starts racing. Was it the people who stole my purse? Was it a disgruntled Giants fan who doesn't like me rooting for the Tigers?

For the record, my stance on the World Series is this:
I'm a Dodger fan. I honestly don't care that much, but I'm loyal. Just like I'm loyal to the Cowboys, even though I probably won't watch one of the games this season.  So, when the Dodger's biggest rival goes to the World Series, it's only natural that I root for the opposing team, right? That being said, the constant jabbing at the Dodgers, by Giants fans, for not making it is on my last freakin' nerve. 

I mean seriously...at this point in my life, I'm too fragile to deal with this nonsense. That and all the politics. Oh. My. Gosh. Just like with sports, I have my favorites (Romney) and I am very conservative, but I don't blast it all over my news feed. So you're a democrat and you're going to vote for Obama. Good for you for taking a stand. Now stop calling me names just because you're too stupid to get it (she said out of shear frustration). And even the conservatives that are CONSTANTLY posting crap...holy moly. Do you think that's going to change anyone's mind? Seriously...all you're doing is pissin' 'em off.  

In the words of the oh so wise (*sarcasm*) Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?

Hey, I'm all for a little competition, but come on.

So, who ever you are that ran over my trash can, let me say this:
I'm sorry that you're life is so sad and miserable, you have to take pleasure taking out a perfectly innocent trash container. I will pray that you find peace somewhere and soon, before any other trashcans are harmed, or I come after you with a .38 (honestly, I'm just guessing on caliber size here).

And...I hope my trash can left a big ol' nasty mark on your truck, because you suck. 

That is all for today. 

P.S. Don't forget I'm still on a mission to Bring James to Kindergarten. If you would like to help, here is the address where you can send fan mail encouraging James to come this way:

Anderson Group Public Relations
Attn: James Maslow
8060 Melrose Ave 4th Floor
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Just a quick note and stamp are all it takes! Thanks!!

Oh, and GO TIGERS!!!!!! 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Project Bring James to Kindergarten Continues

Yea...I'm still on it. It's going to happen. It might not actually happen while Ella's in Kindergarten, but it will happen. Like I said, I have made it my mission. And then, I saw this and my passion was renewed:


So...Here we go again!!
This time, I will write a letter directly to James. Think he'll read it?

Dear James,

My sweet daughter, Ella, is in love with you (actually Ella, Mia, Gracie and I all love you. BTR is our FAVE! All of you! Tim {daddy} even knows your songs!). One day she told me to 'twit' you and tell you that she NEEDED you to come to school on Friday so she could share you for the letter 'J'. I laughed at first, then I thought...why not?!?! What's it going to hurt to start a little campaign to get you here, to our little farm town and our little country school? Nothing. It hurts nothing. Might make me look like a HUGE fool, but who cares!! I'm determined to do this for her. I want her dream to come true. 

The other day we drove by a legendary house here in town and Ella said, "Oh...I'm going to live in that house with my husband, James." And as I type this, she's currently talking into the mirror and I heard your name again. She loves you so much. It's so funny. I mean...she's five. This is no joke...she's in love! (Hum...I wonder why?)

I started a campaign on Facebook, with a picture of you and Ella from our meet & greet in Paso Robles along with a short story of what I was doing. After a few days, a bunch of likes, and a few shares, I decided to step it up a notch. I blogged and I started emailing. I got a couple discouraging emails (one said "thanks for the offer, he can't make it, but feel free to send your fan mail to me and I'll get it to James." Who is this chick anyway?), then I started to re-think my decision to pursue this. Another email said that for a mere $12,500 it might be possible. And one guy on Twitter, who you may know, @funnymatt, basically told me to get a life. I believe "good luck with that" were his exact words.

Now I know what you're thinking...this chick is cray!!! Um, yeah. I am. Cray...and determined!

But I don't care what you think of me...I only care what Ella thinks of me...and if I can make this happen, I think I'll be her hero...or probably you will. Either way, WIN WIN!!

James, will you come to Kindergarten for Ella? I mean, really...how can you say no to those eyes?



Sincerely, 

One crazy, determined mother, who may or may not love you as much as Ella does. And who won't stop until YOU tell me NO yourself.

P.S. It would be more than OK if you brought Kendall, Carlos and Logan, too. Mia wants me to start "Project Bring Kendall to 5th Grade" and Gracie wants me to pursue a "Project Bring Any or All Of Them to High School". One project at a time, girls. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

Kimberly Ann Dodson

So, apparently after the post "Someone, Please Throw Me a Rope", I think I sort of had some closure or something, because I feel a little more like writing these days. LUCKY YOU!!

Today I will share with you a few random things you might not know about me. Brace yourselves.

1. When fixing myself a fountain drink, I CAN NOT, and I WILL NOT take the lid off the top. The thought of all the people that possibly have touched that lid makes me break out in hives. I have to go down 5-10 lids before I feel comfortable. Seems like all of sudden I'm germaphobic. I use my foot to push open a trash can and I scrub myself down with wipees after a visit to the DMV. By time I'm 40, I'm going to live in a bubble.

2. Taylor Swift drives me bonkers, but I love her music, and that makes me even more bonkers! Why must she have such catchy music?!?! Curse you Taylor. However, right now, I'm watching her on Good Morning America and I want to slap that red lipstick off her face, but "Never Getting Back Together" is playing in the background and I can't turn it. And my goodness...does that girl get around or what? I'm starting to think any guy that dares to date her is doing it just to get a song written about them. Hey, Taylor. They don't really like you...they just want to be immortalized in a catchy song, even if it's mean.

3. Oh hey, guess what? I'm obsessed with Big Time Rush. I have always had a thing for beautiful men. It doesn't matter what age they are (except now, I draw the line at under 18, for legality's sake). Big Time Rush is so adorable and they're funny and they also have catchy music and James is, well, *sigh*. But I also love Josh Duhamel and Tom Selleck, so my love of beautiful men knows no boundaries.

4. Ok, here's a doozie. Ready? I wax the inside of my nose. GASP!! Oh, please. Big deal...so I wax the inside of my nose. It's perfectly normal...isn't it? Ok, maybe it's not, but know this...I don't worry about a rogue hair hanging out of my nose (admit it, you totally just checked for a nose hair, didn't you?) or having to use one of those nose hair clipper things that leaves short little hairs that prick me when I pick blow my nose. Or how all the little cut hairs fall out onto my upper lip. GA-ROSS!! I'm not going to lie to ya...it hurts a little. Ok...I just lied...it feels like someone is plucking hair from the backside of my brain. It's very therapeutic, actually, she said sarcastically. Then when I'm done, I still have residual wax in my nostrils and every time I blow my nose for the next two days, the tissue gets stuck to it. So if you see me running around with something white hanging out of my nose, you should know...I just waxed. 

5. I make my own deodorant. I always get the weirdest looks when I tell people that, but honestly...BEST. DEODORANT. EVER. Forever, I've never felt anything actually did the job like it was suppose to *embarrassing*. I was always "unsure". (If you've ever given me a hug and I give you like a little penguin hug, where I keep my arms at my sides and only bend at my elbows and pat you on the waist, you can pretty much guarantee I felt I was having a deodorant malfunction.) But, NOT ANYMORE!! Thanks to Pinterest and baking soda, I am as a fresh a daisy! (Why is that an expression? Are daises really fresh? They don't really have a pleasant smell, do they?) While the homemade deodorant doesn't provide you with an antiperspirant, it doesn't matter, because you can sweat like a fat man on a treadmill, and still be odor-free! Besides, antiperspirants are bad for you anyway, because they clog the pores ("blah blah blah", said the granola). Baking soda, cornstarch, coconut oil and essential oils are all you need. I don't use essential oils because I'm too lazy to drive someplace that sells them. And one recipe calls for bees wax, but I don't like the bees wax, because it stinks and it feels weird...but then, I had an epiphany! SCENTSY BAR!!! It's got the wax like the bees wax, but you can get like any scent known to man!! Currently, I'm wearing a "cucumber/lime" scent. You are welcome.

6. I dance in the car. So, if you see me on the street and I look like I'm having a seizure, I'm not...there's just a catchy song on the radio...probably Taylor Swift or Big Time Rush. Or that awesome Owl City/Carly Rae Jepson song "Good Time". I LOVE that song!!!

7. I secretly want to ram any car on the street that has an Obama sticker on it. Yesterday I saw the best, "Save the country! Vote Democrat!" Ok, maybe not RAM, but give them a good tap, just enough to hopefully jar some sense into them!! That's all. I bet Taylor Swift has an Obama sticker on her car. Probably James does, too, because it's the "cool Hollywood" thing to do, but give me a few minutes with him. I'll change his mind.

8. I'm secretly obsessed with the way I look. I guess "obsessed" isn't the right word. Conscience, maybe? I just mean I refuse to wear anything that might potentially land me on the "People of Walmart" website. I can go without make up and throw on a hat, but I will not wear a shirt that hugs the curves of my muffin top. Oh, hell no!!! If you ever see me in something like that, please call 911, because I've obviously suffered a stroke or been abducted by aliens. I'm not even kidding.

9. I hate road construction!!! It infuriates me. Especially when it's the same roads and is NEVER ENDING. Holy Hello Kitty!! Right now in Tulare, you can't go anywhere without getting stuck in road construction traffic.That being said, I secretly like being stuck in LA traffic (within reason). Well, if I have to pee, not so much...but if we're not in a hurry and my kids are sleeping (that's the key), I think it's sort of relaxing. Oh. My. Word. It's official, I'm insane.

10. I'm actually quite shy. Yes, I am. I can write like crazy and put down anything and everything I'm thinking, politically correct or not (usually NOT, see #7), but I come off as not very friendly. I'm often mistaken as, dare I say...a bitch (sorry, mother-in-law), at least I think I'm mistaken...maybe I'm not. I hate to say something that sounds completely hilarious in my head and then no one laughs. It mortifies me, so I just keep those hilarious thoughts, that could potentially turn your entire day around, to myself, because I'm afraid you won't laugh. I write exactly like I think, and from the reactions I get to my Facebook posts and this blog, I'm pretty freakin' hilarious, but when I say it out loud, I feel like everyone looks at me like, "OMG...I can't believe she actually just said that!" I write what I know everyone is thinking, but apparently they don't want to discuss out loud. And since apparently the only thoughts that run through my head are somewhat inappropriate, I choose to say nothing at all. Hum... I'm thinking maybe I should re-think the way I think. Smhhh.

Now, that you know these things, let's go on and pretend it didn't happen. Deal?

Have a good day, friend.













Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Lessons Learned

This is what happens when I leave my iPad unattended. Oy vey. 










I could go on, but you get the picture. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Someone, Please Throw Me a Rope!!

Ok, peeps. I have never in my life been this down in the dumps. I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk. The last few months have been so hard. Everyday is a struggle for me to hold it together and some days I don't. And I take medication for crying out loud (literally)!

It's nothing for me to just break down and cry at the drop of a hat (she said literally..."Are you kidding me?!?! I dropped my hat?!?! WAAAHHHHH!!!") Which poses a problem because I usually spend a fair amount of time on my make up (and it looks amazing if I do say so myself *sarcasm*) and some of that make up is this eyeliner/serum that I run along my lashes (which by the way, has made my lashes grow like weeds. They're so long now it's almost embarrassing. *sarcasm*). Anyway...when the tears start, it causes this serum to run into my eyes causing them to burn like...he--....um well, really bad (that was for you, Lena)....then I can't see. Which then causes a slew of other problems. Like, if I'm driving. Or if I'm trying to walk up the stairs. Or if I'm trying to catch up on Facebook or Twitter. Or look at pictures of James from Big Time Rush. It's catastrophic, really.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know that right now, I just don't have it in me to write and be flippin' hilarious like I usually am. And for that, my trusty loyal readers, I apologize. 

Please keep my family in your prayers as we are all still struggling with the changes and decisions we have made and continue to make regarding my parents. (Awwww....poo!! My eyes are burning!!!!!) And the time it takes away from my kids. Pretty sure they barely recognize me these days.

Also, I know she probably won't read this, but I have to give a shout out to my Aunt Kathy (Stiffler). I honestly don't know what I would do without her. That, my friends, is who I want to be when I grow up. I have never known a person with a kinder, more giving heart. She makes me want to be a better person. I honestly don't know how my dad or I would survive all this without her. We love you, Aunt Kathy. (I really want to send her a huge bouquet but my purse was stolen and I don't have access to any money. Shitaki mushrooms...it burns! It burns!)

Please visit www.psp.org to learn more about my mom's rare disease. And if you know my mom, feel free to stop by and see her. She loves visitors and she WILL, I repeat...she WILL know you. And dad, well, he loves company, too. He often needs a distraction and I can only do so much.

I know one day I will be back in full swing, but right now, I'm taking it one day at a time. 

AAAGHHHHH!!! MY EYES ARE BURNING!!! 






Sunday, October 7, 2012

Project Bring James to Kindergarten

Today, I am on a mission. A mission to get the word out to James, from Big Time Rush, that Ella would like him to come to school on Friday so she can share him for the letter 'J'. ((Some of you may have read this on facebook, but I'm telling you again. Skip ahead if you must...)) The other day, we had this brief conversation:

Ella: "Mom, do you follow James on Twitter?" 
Me:  "Yes. Why?"
Ella: "Because I need you to twit him and tell him that I need him to come to school on Friday so I can share him for the letter 'J'. And I need the REAL person. Not just a picture." 
Me:  "Oh, ok, but I don't see that happening."
Ella: *tears* "But mom! I need to share him!"

After that, who wouldn't make it their mission in life to see this woman little girl's dream come true. I mean, really. I couldn't let it go. So....I went to Twitter and have "twitted" (Ella's word, not mine, but it's cute, so I went with it) him several times, telling him the conversation and posting adorable pictures of her like this:


((With James. Yummy.))

And I posted on Facebook, too. Then I did a search on how to get in touch with your favorite celebrity. And I got answers (thank you eHow!). I had to get a proIMDB.com account, and luckily they have a 14 day free trial, so I got what I was looking for and canceled it. Muahahahahaha!!! I was able to get all the names, emails and phone numbers of his agents, publicists, manager. Then I composed this email:

"Hi there. This is going to sound ridiculously ridiculous, but I have to give it a shot. My 5 year old daughter, Ella, is a huge Big Time Rush (especially James), fan and she has a request….


Ella: "Mom, do follow James on Twitter?"

Me.  "Yes, why?"

Ella: "I NEED you to twit him and tell him that I need him to come to school on Friday so I can share him for the letter 'J'. And I need the real person, not just a picture."

Me:  "Um, well, I can tweet him, but I don't see it happening…"

Ella: **tears**, "But mom!! I need him to come so I can share him!!!"

Not that the child get everything she wants, but how awesome would that be for her?!?!? HUH?!?! 

She isn't sick or disabled. She's perfectly perfect. Nor am I sick (well, maybe a little in the head), I'm just a mom that would love to make a little girl's dream come true. 

Now tell me what I need to do to make this happen...or should I just start searching for a super life-like cardboard cutout for her take to class?

Also, I don't think it's this week so we have time to work on this. 

Thanks in advance for any info you can share!
Kimberly Dodson
Candidate for "Craziest Mother of the Year" Award….currently in 1st place, thank you very much!! And this email may just seal the deal!"

Then I proceeded to email it to every person on that list. I know...I'm a freak-a-zoid. But I did it...AND POUR ME A SHOT AND GIVE ME A XANAX!!! I got a response!! Holla!! Read on....

"Love it, Kimberly!!! you and Ella are adorable!
Don't want to get your hopes up, however, just for fun, What town is this?
Sent from my iPad"

I'm not even shittin' you right now (sorry for the language, but that's the first think I thought when I saw the response). I mean, I don't want to get my hopes up or anything ('cause the guy told me not to, but I'm not gonna lie...they may be up just a tad.), Holy Hello Kitty!!! Can you even imagine?!?!? Let's imagine that for a second.....Picture her face...




And my face...



((OMGee...my arm looks so fat!!!))

And, I'd probably pee my pants a little, because that seems to be a problem for me, as of late. Anyhoo...I responded by telling him we were in Tulare, CA, 3 hours from LA, blah blah blah and to read my blog...of course, must push the blog. (He said we were adorable...wait until he sees the above picture.

Then someone on Facebook, thank you Tambra, told me to send it to Ellen...so I got a link to Ella's youtube video singing one of BTR's songs and submitted it with the above story. Ok, wait, let us again take a moment to think about what it would be like if that happened. OMG...this is my Ella's chance to become a star!! Ohmigosh! What are we going to wear?!?! I need to go shopping...and not just at Target this time. I might have to actually go a block further, to the outlet mall. I'm sure I can find something at the Dress Barn. 

I think my next step will be to post it again on Facebook and do the whole "Like and Share" thing. I want to see how many I can get and try to go viral. But I think my biggest hurdle is going to be that Ella is a healthy and happy child and we're financially stable. Right? I mean, of course I feel so blessed by all these things, but doesn't it seem for anything exciting to happen to you, you have to have some sort of hardship? Be sick? Be poor? Be Democrat? ((Admit it...you laughed...it was funny. Oh, don't be a hater!)) Don't get me wrong, they certainly deserve it, I'm just sayin' it would be nice for a regular kid to be noticed for just being a good and cute kid. 

That being said, it has become my mission in life to get James to our little country school in Central CA, to make this happy, healthy, pretty, fortunate woman's little girl's dream come true. So if you see it on Facebook..."like" and "share", k?

P.S. I have two other healthy, happy, beautiful girls that would pee their pants if James (or any of the band) showed up at school. 

**Not sure what's going on with the fonts on this entry and it's really bugging me. Sorry.**

And also, I think my next entry will be about why all my girls deserve a visit from their favorite band. 


UPDATE:

**I asked Ella what she would do if James actually came to her class, she said, "I would be calm and use my presentation voice." Well, ok, then.**
UPDATE:
Today Ella informed that if he couldn't make it for 'J', she could share him for 'L', because she "LLLLOOOOOVVVES" him. God help me.

Hey...do me a favor. See those boxes below that say 'FUNNY' 'INTERESTING' 'COOL'? Check one of them. OR better yet, leave a comment. And SHARE SHARE SHARE. PLEASE!!!!!! Thank you!!