Monday, September 24, 2012

Maybe Tomorrow

I was going to blog today, but got distracted by TLC's "Four Weddings". 

Then I have to watch Kelly & Michael.

Then, probably take a nap. 

So, maybe tomorrow. Please don't weep for me. I'll be back...I promise?

Friday, September 21, 2012

Nursing Home Residents ROCK!!

So, yesterday I mentioned that we had a horrible shitty (pardon my french) summer. Probably, no, not probably...absolutely, by far, the worst part of the summer was moving my mom into a nursing home. It was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever done. When I think about that day, when we rolled her into her room to leave her, I tear up. There were so many tears that day, and the day before, and the day after and pretty much every day since. That being said, I honestly believe that she is one of the nicest skilled nursing facilities around.

My mom has a rare disease called Progressive Super nuclear Palsy or PSP. (Follow that link to learn more about it). It's a rare and horrific disease. Her symptoms include, but are not limited to: no peripheral vision, double vision, slurred speech, dizziness, loss of balance, muscle stiffness, rigidity, loss of motor skills, difficulty swallowing, etc. Basically, she's a prisoner in her own body. She can talk, but she talks S-L-O-W and is hard to understand because she can't open her mouth very wide and talks through her teeth. Eventually she won't be able to open her mouth at all. She can't walk and needs help doing everything. We have to dress her, take her to the bathroom, feed her, etc. She has an excellent memory. People always think she won't know them or that she'll be out of it, but she's not (well, not usually, but she's come up with some doozies lately). Which, honestly, makes it even harder. Sometimes I wish she was just a total nut job and completely out of it, but knowing my strong, independent mom is inside there hating every moment of me feeding her just kills me. Anyway...

I'm suppose to be funny, huh? OK...sorry for the mush...moving on....

Since moving mom into the nursing home, I've spent my fair share of time there. I'm telling you...if you need some entertainment, you should try hanging out in one. I don't mind it so much, but it totally freaks Gracie out. On occasion you get the one that just yells uncontrollable. Those frighten her. Wimp. Sometimes when we're walking through the halls and there are residents lined up against the wall, I like get behind her and yell..."HELP!!" I think she peed once. 
**This blog is meant to entertain and not offend anyone. Being that my mom is one of these people, I don't mean any harm. This is a laugh or cry situation...and I personal prefer to laugh.**

One time, this adorable woman asked if she could talk to me...then proceeded to ask me if I could help her steal some drugs for some friends of hers that were "really good people, just like you and me". Well in that case, young lady. What would you like me to get? Some enemas? Viagra? (God help us if they have Viagra in the nursing home!!!!) Another time she kept telling us she was so excited to see Freddie Fender and that she just really loved his voice. Um...Who is Freddie Fender? 

Get this: There is a designated smoking area...where the residents sit, with their oxygen tanks, puffin' on their cancer sticks. I don't know for sure, but if I was smoker, on oxygen, and had to be put in a nursing home, I might think about quitting. Then again, maybe they're thinkin' "Oh, what the hell!! It's not like I'm going to walk out of here! Might as well go out with a bang and take a few of these other poor saps with me!

Then, there's the spitter. Oh mylanta. The other day my aunt and I were sitting in the dining room with mom while she ate (we fed her) dinner and there was a man behind her that kept hawkin' up nastiness...and spitting it out on the floor...in the freakin' dining room!!! There was one old lady (that looks like my Uncle Jr, by the way and it's really weird) that kept yelling at him! "HEY!! Stop spittin' on the floor!! Stop spittin'!!" It was HILARIOUS! She was like obsessed with it. She kept watching him and yelling at him, then he would say, "who me? Are you telling me to stop spitting?" Um, sir. Are you spitting on the floor? Then, yeah. She's talkin' to you! Naturally I was grossed out, but at first, I thought it was just saliva...then, he rolled his wheelchair and I saw something gooey string from the floor to his wheel. (FYI: I'm violently gagging right now). Then he rolled back and then back again, and it was stuck to the wheel and kept flipping back onto the floor. I swear, it was the thickest, stringiest, gooiest snot I had ever seen. I started gagging and I tried to tell the CNA, but it took me about 5 minutes to get out, "That {gag} man {gag gag} ba-{gag} back {gag gag violent gag} there is {gag} sp-{gag} spi-{gag gag} spitti-{gag} spitting {gag} on the floor. {gag gag gag gag}" The CNA response? "Yeah, we're use to it.WELL, I'M NOT!!!!! Clean it up!!! Mom and Aunt Kathy were laughing so hard mom had to change her depends. And I think Mom spit her dinner across the room. At least it wasn't snot!

Oh, I can't forget about what I'm about 98% certain is a cross dresser. I've only seen them once. (I'm going to refer to them as "them", because I'm not 100% sure of the gender and don't want to offend them by calling them a him when it's actually a her. Or by calling it a him when it's actually a him but wants to be referred to as a her. Or, I guess could call them "Pat"! Remember that bit on SNL about Pat? No one knew if Pat was male or female? Ok...Pat it is.)  But when I walked in and saw Pat, my first thought was, "what the hell!!" (language, I know! But that's really what I thought!). Pat was adorable and you could tell Pat took great pride in Pat's appearance. Pat had Pat's hair pulled up into a high, perfect pony tail with these perfect ringlets draping down. Then these awesome poofy, "There's Something About Mary" -esqe bangs. Full make up, nails done, women's clothes, jewelry...the works. Pat was very large. Had huge hands and feet. Very tall. (Bear with me, I'm trying really hard to not be totally offensive.) Now, I don't quite know what to make of this. I mean...we live in Tulare, where men usually dress like men, and women usually dress like women. And this has nothing to be homophobic or anything because most gay people I know still dress like their own gender, you know? But anyway...I couldn't stop looking. I even took a picture, that, NO, I'm not posting on here. I wanted to say something to my mom, but another thing this disease has taken from her is her filter, and no telling what she'd do. Pat never said anything loud enough for me to hear so I couldn't tell by Pat's voice. It's killing me. I have to know....When I find out, I'll fill you in.

Over the last couple months, Mom has had a few roommates. In her first room she had this woman who refused to get out of bed and would just shit (again, sorry for the language, but sometimes there are no better words, because poo-poo does not quite describe what this woman was doing) her pants then yell for someone to change her. She was young (late 50's I believe), too. The smell was horrific. Poor thing. That's where I experienced my first gagging episode. Then mom spent nearly a week in the hospital and when she came back, she moved rooms, so she had a new roommate. This one (she was old) was just recovering from something and would be leaving shortly. Her husband was there all the time. One day my mom, bless her heart, waited for her the lady's husband to take her to the bathroom and then mom called me in close...then she proceeds to tell me that the woman was telling her husband that she wanted to go home so she could have sex with him (and I suppose this is where the Viagra in a nursing home might come in handy, eh?). HOLY HELLO KITTY. I literally yelled, "WHAT?!?!? I don't think so. I think you're crazy, mom!" She says, "Shhhh!! Don't let them hear you and no, I'm not, Kimberly. She said it." I'm still not convinced, but I suppose anything's possible. 

Her latest/current roommate, Mary, is a doll!! She's 101 and speaks portuguese 1/2 the time. She can't hear a thing, either, so you have to yell into her ear. I think every time I walk into the room she sees me and says, "I have to go to the toilet." The other day her granddaughter brought her a milk shake and she lit up like a Christmas tree. Love her. 

Oh yeah! Mom's next door neighbor. Oh Laaaw-dy (that's Lordy said with a very strong southern accent). She lays in her bed, without her teeth, and constantly yells, in a super nasal voice, "NAARRSE!! NAARSSE! I NEED TO BE CHANGED, NARSE!" Yes, narse. Not nUrse. NARSE. Try saying it. Knock out all your teeth, plug your nose and pronounce it NAAAAR-SE. Yi yi yi! Poor sweet thing. Her hair is always sticking up like she stuck her finger in a light socket and apparently she's unable to close her mouth because it's always wide open that that "Scream" guy. She's as skinny as a twig, too. I can't help but laugh. I'm sorry, but I can't. She's just as sweet as she can be, though. (Sometimes I write that stuff to cover my butt.

You also never know who you'll see visiting a loved one in a nursing home. I saw an actor. His dad is next door to my mom (the other next door, not the one with the narse lady). He's one of those guys that pops up everywhere and you might not know his name, yet you know the face and voice for sure. Then I started wondering what the heck he was doing in Tulare, of all places. I've lived her for-eva and I'm pretty sure I would know if he was from Tulare. Anyway...When I saw him the first time, I blurted out, "Hey! Aren't you on TV?" (Apparently I have no filter, either. Like mother, like daughter.) And he said, "LET'S NOT DO THIS NOW! I can't do this!" Whoa...Calm it down, dude. Calm. It. Down. I felt like the biggest idiot EVER (that being said, he pretty much answered my question with that response, right?)!! I think I went through about 50 shades of red (not grey) and retreated back to my mom's room, burying my head in her pillow. Later when I was leaving, I saw him in the parking and wanted to apologize, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it, so...I just blurted out, "Sorry about that in there," and he responded, "OH MY GOSH, NO! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that!" Then he shook my hand, introduced himself and apologized some more. Then I forgave him and now we're best friends! Well, if you consider running into each other in the hall at the nursing home, and me following him on twitter best friends, then yeah, we're BFF's! 

Oh, the joys. 

**Excuse Typos. My sister is my editor and she works and if I sent it to her to proof then it might take longer to publish and I'm impatient. Deal with it.**










Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Mia Makes Me Laugh!

**I just found this as I was going through some stuff I had written and never posted. It's not finished but I decided to post it anyway because it made me laugh out loud.**

Mia is going to kill me for this, so no one better mention it to her until she's grown, ok?

This girl is quick and witty. Some might say she comes by it naturally, given who her parents are. HAHAHAHA!! Here is a little list of the few things she's said to us in the last week or so...

She was dressed and ready for church one morning. She looked soooooo super cute. She knew she did, too. She kept doing a little turns and flipping her hair. I said, "Oh Mia...you think you look HOT." She giggled and said, "NO! I think I look cute! I'm not taking it to that level until I'm older." So, apparently she needs to be in at least the double digits until she considers herself HOT.

One day I was putting on my makeup and Mia was being impatient. She said, "Do you have to wear your makeup everywhere?" Then the other day I decided NOT to wear any and as I was getting in the car, she said, "Mom, I understand now why you need to wear your makeup everywhere...." Precious, precious child.

One windy night last week she noticed a flock of birds circling around some trees. She said, "Mom, look at those flock of birds flying around all wild. I think the wind is pissing them off." Oops.

They found a stray cat at G'ma's and it's a great cat. Mia loves that thing. When she first introduced me and Tim to her, she turned it over and said, "Look, you can tell it's a girl because it doesn't have ding-dong." Nice. Thanks for the education, Grandma. Oh, and she's convinced that our female puppy has a ding-dong and on more than one occassion has "hated to tell me this, but Mazie has a ding-dong."

We are never without entertainment around here.

Big Time C-Rush, Take Two

**WARNING: Before you read this, if you've never read my blog before, there are few things you should know. I'm brutally honest. I make fun of people. I'm EXTREMELY sarcastic. I tend to exaggerate...but just a little. I come off as a snob, but I'm not? (Note the question mark.) I'm not rich, just spoiled. I'm a teenager trapped in a 29 year old's body (there's an example of sarcasm/exaggeration). Hum....this might be my next blog post in the making.**

So much has happened since my last post. I didn't know where to begin. I tried to write out everything that went on this summer, but honestly, it was a shitty (pardon my french) summer and at this point, I can't really laugh about it. (Although I could tell you a few stories about the people that live in the nursing home. Stay tuned for that...) But at some point, I'll be able to put a comical twist on the events of the summer. Just not quite yet. 
One of the very few bright spots of our summer was a family affair. The girls and I went to the Big Time Rush concert at the Mid State fair again (remember last year's post? Here's the link ). I say a family affair because Tim paid for the tickets and the girls and I got to go. Tim, bless his heart, paid big bucks for VIP tickets, and....wait for it.........we got to MEET them!!! HOLY BEEGEEZERS!!!! It was like the greatest 2.8 seconds of our lives!! 

So, here's what I thought would happen:

I thought they only sold a FEW, like maybe 10 or so, and that all of the people that bought them would be classy, nicely dressed, or at least showered and brush their hair and teeth. I also thought that when we got there, we would be met by our personal VIP host and escorted backstage, where we would have a one on one session with the boys, where they would meet and fall in love with us and want to be our best friends and hang out at our house all the time and stuff. And we would make viral music videos and post them on youtube and fly around the US meeting up with them while they're on the road. You know, stuff like that. Dang! I really hate when I'm wrong!! Anyhoo...

Now, here's what really happened. 

We paid big bucks for the tickets. We got these cool badges that made us feel special and like high class richie riches. 


(Seriously, look at Ella! OMG...)

We got to the venue (I could have said fairgrounds or grandstands, but venue sounds way cooler) and realized that spending two weeks picking out our outfits to meet Big Time Rush was probably a waste of time, because we could have worn our pajamas and looked better than 95% of the people there. Then, we stood in line for what seemed like HOURS with these people. (Now, if you know me at all, you know I was having a hey day with this. Tim and my sister got countless pictures of people in line with us. OMG...apparently these people spent all their money on their tickets and were unable to buy decent fitting/looking attire. Disgusting, really. And oh Lordy...the older girls that think they have a chance with the band CRACK. ME. UP. Mostly because we were there.)

Oh, sorry...getting back to business...So, we stood in line, for like, EVER


(Patiently waiting...and waiting...and waiting...Oh, by the way. Is this girl UGLY OR WHAT? My gosh! She's embarrassing to be seen with. *sarcasm, people. sarcasm*)

Then, they finally opened the corral and heard us backstage like cattle (well, we were at the fair, after all).  And what do we see? OH. MY. GOSH!! THEIR TOUR BUSES!!!! Agh!!!! They were on those buses!!! Of course, Tim bought me a new camera *that morning* so I could take pictures and guess what? "Please put your cameras away and any cell phones that have a camera on them. There will be no personal photographs backstage." Well, of course not. Because then I would have a reason to lug the big camera down there. **I so badly wanted to have my phone in my pocket with the camera on and snap a quick picture of them without anyone knowing. But alas, I couldn't be a rule breaker...in front of my kids.**

Ok, so we're backstage and lined up with the other 500 people and suddenly, we hear screams. THEY'RE OUT!!! Then the line starts moving...and moving SWIFTLY. Wow. While I was glad it was moving quickly, because I was tired of standing, I was thinking how sad for those poor people who are getting shuffled in and out so fast. They saved up for decades for this moment and they only get 2.8 seconds with them. And then I thought of the poor people behind us who will have to wait when we get up there because the boys are going to be so enamored by our beauty that they won't let us leave their sight. I mean, really. You saw the pictures, right? Soooo....we got closer and closer and soon, it was our turn.  

And here ya go...


(Let's take a moment to analyze this photo, shall we? First of all, my girls are dolls. Look at Mia. She was so excited and it's written all over her face. Gracie just looks beautiful, standing there next to her future husband and holy crap...look at James Ella. A-DOR-A-BLE! And me, well, let's face it. I'm fat!)

I could go on and on about how they thought the girls were adorable and had beautiful eyes, etc, and how Carlos quietly grabbed my butt while the picture was being snapped (look closely. Tim SWEARS he's grabbing my butt), but I don't want to brag. And, for the sake of the people behind us, I insisted that we only get a few seconds with them, just like everyone else. But those few seconds were the highlight of our summer! I mean, seriously. Look at those adorable couples (minus me and Carlos). Mia and Kendall have the same hair and skin color and the same catapillar eyebrows. He might be a few years older, but nothing they can't overcome! True love concurs all! Gracie and Logan...he told her she had pretty eyes. He has beautiful dimples. Match made in heaven and they would make some beautiful babies. And James and Ella. Oh. My. Gosh. That is all...

Anyhoo....after all our dreams came true in those 2.8 seconds, we retired back to our hotel room to rest up for the big show. (Hotel was walking distance away...remember that as you keep reading...) So, we went back and they changed into their new BTR (that's what their close, personal friends call them) tees and we headed back. We were in the second row. It. Was. Awesome. 

Also, if you remember back to the last BTR concert post, I posted a picture of my "adult beverage". Oh yeah...

This had to be the biggest, and strongest, lemon drop on the planet. Needless to say, I had a GGRRREEAATT time and did everything short of throwing my bra on stage! NOT REALLY!! Pipe down, mother-in-law. Pipe down. Actually, I was pretty much schnockered, but managed to take pictures and hold Ella through the entire concert. 

Here are some pictures I took before the drink took the full effect and the concert started:


I think Gracie took this one, but I don't really remember. Bawahahaha!


Lovely, I know. 




I was in our seats and they're in front of the stage (duh!). 

Finally, some poor girl came out and butchered the Star Spangled Banner, then it was showtime!

Cody Simpson opened for our boys:


I'm sorry, Cody, but we weren't impressed. I really thought after we saw him live we would like him more, but not so much. Sorry, buddy, but you're not our type. Good luck to you.

Now this....


This is our type. Yum.

This is Logan.

  
Kendall. 


Carlos. 
(Hey Carlos, my husband want to have a word with you regarding our "pose".)


And, last but not least (there is no way he's the least),

JAMES.

  
Oh, James


I have about 20 pictures of just James.
(P.S. Please excuse the quality of the pictures. Need I remind you that I got the camera that morning, was holding Ella through the entire concert, AND I was slightly inebriated.)

Here's the deal with James. I'm secretly in love with him. Well, not so secretly anymore, because I just told the world (if you consider the 27 people that read my blog "the world")! He makes me weak in the knees and my heart go pitter-patter. (I really hope that if someday he ever reads this, he doesn't do a baby barf.) But no worries, Timmy. It won't ever happen, unless he digs older women, wants a ready made family with 3 girls who worship the ground he walks on, and can offer me more than you can (which will be next to impossible). But I sure do LOVE to look at him. GULP. 

I'm not going to lie. I really do love Big Time Rush as much as the girls do. I love their music. I love their TV show. I love how they love their fans. Every one of them is freakin' adorable. I've been known to watch their show...when the girls aren't around. I've also been known to pause it on James' beautiful face. Wait...give me a minute. I'm hyperventilating. 

Whew...

Well, that pretty much sums up the highlight of our summer.