Anxiety Sucks

anx·i·e·ty  

/aNGˈzī-itē/

Noun A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.

Synonyms worry - concern - care - uneasiness - trouble - disquiet Hi, I'm Kimberly, and I have anxiety. Wait, no. I don't have it...it has me, and I'm it's little bitch. Anxiety controls me. My thoughts. My body. My sleep. My appetite. And yes, even my bowels. I know this is hard for people who don't suffer from it to understand, but anxiety is real. And it, in my honest opinion, is the devil. It possesses me. Anxiety is always there...waiting for the perfect opportunity to jump out and grab me and choke me until I can no longer breathe.  Let me see if I can explain how anxiety affects me. The definition above says that it's a feeling of worry or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. I would say that is spot on, wouldn't you? Well, to a normal person...but this is what happens to me...

Let's say, I hear something that I know might upset Gracie and know I'm going to have to tell her about it. I get that nervous feeling, like any normal mother would feel. Then I get it again, and again, and again, and then I wonder...why do I keep feeling like that? Is there something wrong with me? Then I get light headed and a little dizzy and my heart starts racing and I think, it's not the nervousness I feel for Gracie...something is genuinely wrong inside my body and I'm going to die. And then it lingers. And everything makes you nervous. Getting the kids to school on time. What you're going to fix for dinner. That feeling of nervousness never goes away. That can wear on you, let me tell ya. When you're least expecting it, BAM! Your heart is racing and you feel weak. Then the only think you can think of is you have to stay conscience long enough to find a place to sit and get your head between your knees. And if you're not in a position to do that (i.e. driving), then you go into full on panic mode over what is going to happen if you don't get there. 

I know that sounds so absurd to someone that has never experienced it...but it's real. Dang it. It's real. And it sucks.

So many people suffer from anxiety in so many different ways. In my case, it's mostly hypochondria induced by the pressures of being a wife, mother, and daughter and all the responsibly and worry that go along with it. Sounds really strange, now, huh? 

I see so much of myself in Gracie and I can not even imagine her having to live an entire lifetime like this. So, I'm getting help...and not JUST from my friend, Xannie. I'm seeing a professional and praying that what I learn, I can pass on to her and she will be able to live an anxiety free life. 

I'm not going to lie...anxiety has it perks. One time I had a nervous breakdown. I spent a good week in a constant state of nervousness with my heart racing, no sleep, no appetite and I lost 6 lbs in 5 days! Whoop!! Holla! Then, since caffeine plays a huge role in anxiety, I gave up Pepsi and lost another 10 lbs at least. But, alas, over time, my medication started working and I started drinking Pepsi again, and well......yeah.

Anyhoo...My point is...if you don't suffer from anxiety, don't just assume that someone should be able to just shut it off and function normally. That's not how our brains work. Anxiety is different for everyone and can be debilitating. Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it's not real. It's most definitely real...and it sucks.

I don't want this blog to be a downer or to make me look weak and pitiful. Because, quite frankly, I think I'm a pretty strong lady. I just wanted to open up a little...and maybe, since I've got this off my chest, I can start being funny again.