RAT-A-TAT-TACK!!!

As I type this, I'm trying desperately NOT to throw a major tantrum. And here's why:

I was out on the balcony off my bedroom, hanging wet clothes over the rail to dry (it's my clothesline, don't judge), and as I was walking back in, I noticed, what appears to me to be...RAT TURDS. Holy shitspa!! {{Shivers}}Um, if you read my story about mice, you should know that this is NOT OK. {{Shivers, again}} I can not even begin to tell you how NOT OK this is. I'm seriously freakin' out right now. {{And, more and more and more shivers}}

I leave for 2 weeks on Tuesday and I'm wondering if can stay with my in laws until then. Or maybe we could just bring in the motor home a couple days early and I could stay in that on the street. And I've decided I'm not coming home until this situation has been dealt with properly, i.e. DEAD RAT. {{major shivers}}

When we bought this house, I didn't realize that all those shade trees in the back were also a rat condo. Had I known, I would have started charging rent and either scared them off or made some money off of it. Or, caught them and sold them into slavery (aka lab testing). Shoooot...we had an income property here and didn't even know it! Wait...why am I joking about this? This is no laughing matter!! Back to business...

But, in all seriousness, you have no idea how freaked out I am right now. Not sure what's worse? A family of mice, or ONE BIG OL' RAT. It's a close race, I can tell you that.

Now here's what's going to happen...

I'm going to get a chainsaw and go out back, in full body armor, and chop down every freakin' tree in my backyard so that damn rat has no place to hide. Then I'm going to put out sticky, inhumane traps all over and wait for that sorry little sucker to get it's sorry little ass stuck to the glue, then watch it die a slow painful death, all the while laughing a creepy, evil laugh. Muahahaha.

Ok, so here's what's really going to happen...

Tim is going to stop by the store and pick up a case of inhumane sticky traps and set them out all over the place. He'll check them a couple times a day until it's caught. When it's caught, he will dispose of it and tell me about it when it's over. If I happen to be around when it's caught, I might possibly ask to see the dead nasty sucker on the trap, just so I know the deed has been done. And then I'll go on with my life as though nothing has happened, and as though there was only one rat...and not a colony of them.

Rats and mice...good for nothing, nasty, little disease carrying monsters, created by the devil.

{{SHIVERS!!!}}

Ah-ha! I just had an epiphany! Things are starting to make a little more sense now...I often here noises on the east side of the house and wonder what it is. Hum...
UPDATE:
We have since caught MANY rats on that balcony and I now refuse to step foot out there. We cut down the tree that was right next to it in hopes that it would keep them away, but I'm pretty sure